Its not often that I sit back and am simply content with what I have around me.
I’m human and prone to oh so many human faults and frailties.
But right now in this very moment. I’m immensely grateful.
Life could be an entirely different experience if someone in my ancestral line had made different choices… if my parents had made different choices. If I had.
Its easy to find things to be miserable about. I know, I do it often. But right now, I’m grateful.
We have to face our demons and whatever face they present. And when that happens, you have to be honest with them because they really dont care how you jazz up your sh*@, they know exactly what it smells like and any lies you give them are really just denials to yourself.
I have an annoying habit of reading three or more alternative meanings to any statement presented to me. This is a hard habit to shake but stems from the fact that people don’t always mean what they say or say what they mean. It makes these demon sessions particularly difficult because even statements I issue aren’t exempt.
Lately I’ve been wondering what kind of leader I want to be because the older I get, the less likely I am from running away from that eventuality. In some way I’ve always led other people, mostly reluctantly, but it seems to be my lot in life and there are worse things to complain about so I won’t harp about it.
But in addressing my own journey I can’t help evaluate the leaders I am exposed to and what I can glean from them and it’s sadly a little disheartening.
I’m not a people person, by a long shot. I’d be content in a quiet corner and engage with people virtually. In person, there’s just too much to deal with. Body language and body odour not being the least of things but that’s not the point. I’m too critical of everything, no matter how positive I make myself.
Someone once told me that you should stay in a position as long as there is something you can learn from the people above you in it. They never addressed what was being learnt and I’m at a point in my life that I have to ask they ‘how’ and not only the ‘what’.
It’s not enough to have a kushy existence if you don’t feel it matters or worse, makes you feel like crap.
Among the number of things I have to address, is the direction of this blog. It will still exist but I need to figure out how. I really should have thought about that before starting but sometimes ‘the thinking’ stops ‘the doing’, and in my case that is very true but I need to proactively figure things out.
This is just a lil post to remind me, and you too, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it’s because you screwed in the light bulb ages ago on your own. I know that’s not a great analogy but I want to strip life down to simple, truthful goals and strive for them.
So… My take on why love doesn’t need to be proven by Valentine’s celebrations.
I’m not known for being emotional or affectionate. This may have something to do with me leaning the wrong way on a particular psychopath scale but I believe I’m still relatively ‘normal’, granted I’ve never officially been tested but I digress… VALENTINE’S! The day when love is declared in swirls of chocolate, hues of red and drowned in copious amounts of alcoholic beverages. Single or not.
My “problem” with Valentine’s isn’t anything ‘new’ or unique I don’t think. Its the fact that love can ‘only‘ be declared publicly and preferably expensively. A day may come when I will celebrate this day not for what it means to my heart but for what it means to my wallet.
Here’s the thing, I LOVE love. I love being able to sit in a living room with a laundry basket overflowing and it not mattering because the company I’m with makes it not matter that I haven’t achieved perfect cleanliness. I love the fact that because I am terrible in the morning, the person I share my bed with gets up to ‘start life’ and I join him.
Love (for me) isn’t about what other people see. Its about how you feel when no one is looking. So often, we idolize couples that lavishly brandish their affections and it hangs in the air like a cheap cologne choking the rest of us, and while we scramble for air, we forget that love isn’t about what people see, its about how we feel.
I could talk about how you can boost your romantic feelings with less than 5 steps in a specific order but there are way more expert resources on that than I can count. I’d like to talk about Valentine’s friends.
When you were younger, did you have a (totally platonic, possible even same sex) friend you shared Valentine’s with because they ‘got you’ and no one else did. I’ve had a pretty decent run of friends I’ve ‘gotten’ and ‘got’ me back but the older I get, I find I’m losing the ability to hold on to those with quite the same depth. I get more impatient and convinced that I’m just a filler in their lives.
I haven’t had a truck load of friends even though I’ve had the opportunity to amass an eye watering number of connections on any social platform. I normally have 3 – 5 really good friends and never enough drama to piss anyone off enough to actually make them an enemy but the problem is that small pool seems to have been contaminated by life somehow. Some of the people that I thought ‘got’ me seem to be speaking in a tongue I don’t have a dictionary for and they make me feel like I’m smaller than I believe myself to be. And friends who love you should never actually do that.
Which reminds me of Valentine’s when I wanted to receive those aforementioned chocolate, red stuff and pretty bubbly drinks but never did because well… my face just didn’t call for it.
Love comes in many forms but the feels remain the same. Those that love you should leave you feeling bigger or at least somehow better than you felt without them. Once they start to make you feel smaller, you need to evaluate whether having them around fits some kind of external validation but doesn’t feed your feels and whether its worth it.
I hope I make those that I love feel bigger and if I cant then better, in whatever form that comes in. But those that make me feel less. I’ve taken a step back and know I need to cull them from my life but still have brief flashes of ‘That’e the you I love and have missed’ but then we revert back to me somehow feeling smaller and that feeling sucks.
Here’s to catching and keeping those feels that build us up and obliterating the feels that diminish us.
Happy Valentine’s Day for those that celebrate it and for those that don’t. May the love still tickle your skirts.
Happy New Year to you and yours!
May ‘all the things’ come your way.
I don’t know how to do this really, listening to my inner voice isn’t something I’m actually good at but I do hope to one day be a master of myself… and that should not be taken in pompous way but I truly want to know how I can make the best version of myself and what that means.
For the longest time all I’ve known is that the best version of myself is the one that makes other people happy. At all costs. Even if I suffer my own version of (internal) death by a million cuts in the process, its all worth it people are “happy” with me.
Emotions I knew well were anxiety, dissatisfaction and the self importance that comes with believing you are a martyr to your own bloody cause. I cant imagine why anyone was friends with me because I must have been infuriating to be around.
The older I get the less satisfied I am with being ‘the best’ purely for being the best.
I’ve held myself back on my writing goals because I’m trying to write a ‘Great American Novel’ and I’m not even American. What I am is a mental immigrant. This may be a result of literally being an immigrant for the majority of my life but I travel through stories, some of them pretty ‘awful’ and others are literary masterpieces but all of them thoroughly engaging . My voice cant be fully literary and I’ve been forcing it to be just that. Turns out what really tickles my knickers is good ol’ fashioned fantasy (with leanings on urban and dark fantasy), historical jaunts and steampunk. The way I used shook my head when my younger sister would bring home yet another (what I considered) godawful travesty of litera-ture with a half naked girl on the cover… if only I’d known the fire that that would inflame in me (that is not a well constructed sentence).
Anywho, I rarely make new year’s resolutions because I suck at keeping them but I definitely am more self focused on what actually keeps me happy and not on what I THINK should keep me happy.
I also don’t know long this wind will last but I will sail on with it thrusting my bosom ever forward.
Here’s to finding out who we really are!
There’s this couple on Season 27 of The Amazing Race that seems to rub everyone else the wrong way because of how much they argue. These people just aren’t “nice” to each other at all. At. All.
They are Chris and Logan. It doesn’t help that they are also The Paparazzi Couple so people don’t like what they do for a living and have to pretend not to hear their yelling fests. If you want to have a chance at winning a race, making it easy for people to leave your company may not be such a great strategy.
First up, there’s something about the way Logan talks that reminds me of an old friend of mine. They are nothing alike really (and far as I know, my friend is pleasant in her relationships) but there’s an underlying vibe there… and it really has nothing to do with my comparison so I’m hopping off this train now.
Anywho, the main problem for this couple is they generally can’t communicate to each other. Not effectively. They seem like pretty nice people on their own and I can even imagine them having quite pleasant down times together but throw in stress and they implode (with special effects).
Now, I’m not a relationship expert but I couldn’t help watching them to try and figure out why they were the way they are because like I said, they don’t seem like nasty people.
From what I gather, things start to go downhill when Chris tries to do things and they end up ‘wrong’. Logan then loses her mind over it and he joins in the self-bashing tirade. That’s a pretty dangerous mix of actions because one person can’t always be wrong. Chris isn’t a saint but when things blow up, that generally seemed to be the normal chain of events and whether there was a valid “wrong” initiating action or not is up for debate but for them: He messes up, she gets frustrated with him and he gets frustrated with himself and they yell at each other.
I’ve been in close proximity to one of these yelling type of relationships and I hated being around it. Hated. Then I found myself spiralling into the same pattern and had to take a step back. In my case, that meant Singles Ville but I don’t believe that needs to be the case for this couple. Should they get help, absolutely. With a professional. There’s a root here with both of them that makes their deficiencies compatible but they can move from that to positive compatibility. Or they can just stick to the same cycle coz it’s a fit they know.
If you’ve ever been part of That Couple (or currently are) what makes all the drama worth the non-dramatic times?
There are few things that I wait for in life with muscle tensing anticipation: 1 is anything to do with the series Song of Ice and Fire (George R.R. Martin is a devious genius and I want to crawl into his head and marinate in his awesomeness) and the second is that fiend of a creative heart wrencher Adele.
When 19 came out I warmed to it slowly but then 21… I fell in love, then I watched some interviews and thought, yup, we could soooo do coffee, we’d get along immensely. I tried not to think of how stalkerish that sounded because OBVIOUSLY she’d like me back and nothing would go wrong between us ever.
Then 25 came out and I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t get the Adele I loved so fiercely. I was afraid that if she wasn’t what I wanted it’d kill my ability to love things and stories because her music is all gut ripping story for me and it give me ‘the feels’. And then I stumbled upon the video for Hello and thought, ‘MY GIRL IS STILL BRINGING IT!’ and then I listened to the album and grinned like a buffoon at my desk.
Adele has no doubt changed but she is still Adele. There is emotion to her words and I FEEL THEM ALL. Even the ones I don’t like. I want to nestle in her voice and tickle myself with her tendrils.
And that, ladies and gents, is why I want to be Adele (minus the tendrils obviously).
Never mind that number of CDs (yeah, CDs not digital downloads, those coaster contraptions) she has sold. Never mind how many records she will break. The girl in 19 is still alive in 25. Even if life has both kissed and buffeted her for a spell.
In fact in my mind, Adele was Princess Merida as a young ‘un.
Tell me you cant see it!
Maybe with a different picture… Or everyone, just watch Brave and listen to Adele’s albums.
The world will be a happier place.
I have a lil nephew and have been thinking of what nursery rhymes I’d like to share with him when he is old enough to understand them. Right now he only communicates by shoving things in his mouth which is adorable when said thing may not kill him.
There’s this horrid poem I did and I’m going to teach it to him in about a few months. I’m certain his parents will hate it but it will be our thing *evil grin*
Disclaimer: I am terrible at rhymes and rhyming in general. I have no future in rap, hip hop or anything in that area.
One day I may write nursery rhymes but this is just a practise.
The Bear and I
“There once was a bear who lived in my shoe
He had nine lives and three spots blue
They hid in his armpit and cried ‘I hate you!’
I never gave the bear a name
But he stayed in my shoe all the same
And I cant figure out on who to lay the blame
The spot’s cries to both the bear and I
Made me wince and weep from my left eye
I’ll strangle and maim them or die with my last try”
On the horrid scale, does it make your eyes bleed?
Lately I’ve been pondering the difference between right and good. When I was younger what I wanted to be was right. Left, right, up down. All the ways. RIGHT meant winning and who doesn’t want their version of victory.
The older I get more I want to be good as opposed to right.
Its not that I wasn’t being “good” when I was being right but if I am truly honest with myself, good just never felt as big as right did.
Some of the things that have me questioning that are “doing the right thing”. I’m not sure we live in a world where that is as clean a statement as it could have been in the past, it is also possible I’m romanticising the past too and I acknowledge that, however, when options were limited it was very easy to draw clear and established boundaries. When your only choices as a woman was to get a decent enough education to find a ‘good husband’ and then keep the home, the thought of pursuing a career in aviation is not really an option. The right thing in that situation is to make the best home you can.
Now, when you can go to university as a woman and decide to not only not get married if you like and also pick a career that means you never set roots anywhere that’s not an easy ‘right’ decision, as the more we move towards ‘selfish’ self fulfillment the more we stray from our own society’s version of ‘right’.
So our criteria needs to change, what is ‘right’ isn’t a sufficient measure for whether an action should be pursued or not.
What is ‘good’, assumes there is a ‘recipient’ and not the blanket ‘acceptance’ that ‘right’ promotes (does that make sense?). I have some friends that it would be right to maintain because it makes me a douchebag not to be friendly to them but it is not what is good because I feel that connection has broken, in fact I even question sometimes what it was built on in the first place. We no longer build each other or create a positive environment for each other to grow or even just mulch and I want to mulch in pleasant relationships.
The right thing is to maintain the people who have always been there, the good thing is to accept that they no longer as present as they used to be and we’ve grown into people that cant create a new definition that reflects that.
How do y’all treat the difference between right and good?