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Killing My Hang Ups

Jul
2013
30

posted by on Rambling

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Gorgeous lady but not me

Simply Cyn captures my mood in this shot and looks GORGEOUS doing it

So…

When I started this blog, I had a schedule laid out of what I would post and how regularly I would put my overflowing ideas into the world and boy do I have ideas… If I could mine them I would be A LOT better off than I am now (because I am certain that they are valuable ideas… I may suffer from delusions of grandeur).

But then ‘Life’ got in the way (as it normally does when you are “playing” above your station), and then I started making excuses… many excuses. At first they were logical… then creative… “I can’t type right now because I am researching self publishing on amazon (by buying books)”, or “my hair is more important right now so I think I’ll embark on mini twists instead of getting another story down, besides it will allow me to think.”.

Truth is, I got scared. I put a blog out and it started getting some hits (more than three is some!), and there wasn’t any hate, a significant amount of spam but no hate, and people other than family and friends were starting to look at it. Enter Stage Fright. I was now publicly attempting to bring my dreams to life. This would mean I would now no longer have any excuse on why I wasn’t where I thought I should be. Bringing me to my hang ups… or rather the one major one.

But before that, I am not deluded to think everyone who reads what I write will like what they find, I want to be a writer but I need to do a lot of work because I am not dedicating enough time to my art and I should. This I know (“It is known”, hee hee). Its like having exams coming and not prepping but literally praying it will work out. If you don’t put in the work, how can you expect it to?

So, my major hang up. I would rather be an ace at something I hate doing than fail at something I want to be doing. This is a little crazy and counter intuitive because it leads to me cementing myself in things I don’t actually want to do. Like stay in a relationship longer than I should or study a course I didn’t really have any love for at the time (that did eventually change) and host of other oddities that I could have saved myself from that led me to being dissatisfied with what and who I am.

Failing at a desire seemed a lot less desirable than succeeding at a chore. Because you chose it as opposed to “dealing” with what was thrust upon you.

Which points out that my main fear is failure. I fear that I am ordinary. That I do not have nearly as much exposure to interesting things to make me interesting (because interesting is like a bug, you catch it and pass it along). That my life has been too comfortable to damage me into being great. I fear being mundane or *the horror*, forgettable. I want to be remembered. I want to be interesting. This in my mind would mean I matter (see above for possible delusions of grandeur).

So how do I get over my hangups and fears? I haven’t the foggiest idea. Late last year I felt the walls of boredom and inadequacy closing in so I decided I needed to make at least one dream come true. “See Japan. No excuses”. I had been thinking about it for years and every time I saved enough money something “practical” came up and it would be gone, plus I never could get enough time off work. But I got a crazy buzzing in my head that I was running out of time. I spoke to a friend and she decided to join me in my mad quest and we somehow planned a two week trip to a country we had never been to and didn’t speak the language of. And it was WONDERFUL. I would gladly go back for another trip if only to sit on benches and watch people. So next time I get a crazy desire to travel, may it be summer!

The way I am hoping to get rid of my hang ups is to voice them and then bludgeon them. It seems to be the only way. Simply refuse to be mundane and don’t forget.

This is not a particularly helpful article if you were looking for a how to but its my story. Maybe it will help you. Make one dream happen (at a time). Even if it is something as simple as saving a certain amount of money between now and the end of the year, growing a certain plant or smiling more. Its your dream. Stop with the excuses.

Bludgeon the hang ups.

Over and Out!

 

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