Archive for the ‘Rambling’ Category

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So…

I’m an Anna Akana fan and I think as many people as possible should see it but it feels like cheating to just put a link here and its theme isn’t very tea friendly.

Suicide hurts those left behind. Don’t do it, please.

Death is hard enough for the living when they can blame someone else for taking away someone important from them. It’s even harder when within their grief they blame you. Death is easy for dead people because well, they don’t have to deal with anything anymore (probably not my smartest line). I am Catholic (by birth, I inherited it like I did my creepy long, skinny toes), I don’t really have a problem with the Catholic faith but no religion is perfect, I think half the test is picking something to believe in and sticking to it… but I digress, death sucks for the people left behind to death with the gap caused by you no longer being there.

I haven’t had a suicide that was that close to me really. In high school I had a friend who had made a suicide pact with another friend of hers but he decided to go it alone and she was left behind to deal with not wanting to do it without him, they weren’t dating and she had a lovely sweet boyfriend who seemed there for her and for the life of me I can’t remember why she wanted to commit suicide because her life was well… pretty damn perfect. She had the ‘normal’ issues a teenage girl would have with a Dad… she was well liked, she was so damn pretty I wanted to wear her skin for a while…yeah, I may have been slightly creepy in school.

When I was, I think, in the tenth grade, a cousin came to stay with us for a week or so, to do some school shopping before going back home. I remember hanging out with him like any other cousin but we weren’t that close really, “cousin” is used very loosely in my family… most terms for any relative is randomly chucked about, you never can be sure there is actual familial attachment when you refer to someone as an aunt or uncle, again I digress. So this cousin of mine, a few weeks after going back home had a disagreement with his father and decided to make him ‘pay’ by killing himself. He succeeded. His dad was not the same man after his son killed himself and even though there were other factors that led to his Dad’s eventual death, his suicide did not help.

In both these cases, I saw what happened after, the pieces those left behind had to put back together. For one it was the broken promise, the other it was the constant internal back and forth over what could have prevented the suicide, both different forms of betrayal.

Suicide is selfish, it is a self centred escape from whatever you think is caging you in or what you are running away from. I fear the nothing of death more than I do the misery of life because as much as I want to believe that there is a heaven waiting and a room with my name on it, I don’t believe I have earned passage into paradise. I understand the forgiving nature of God as I understand him can wash away my sin but that just makes me a clean slate, no different from that slave in the parable of the talents who didn’t multiply what his master left. We have to “do” to “earn”, that’s what I believe.  And when what you do is leave behind holes in people’s hearts because you feel your internal hole is too heavy to bare… you need to reach out to someone, anyone. Allow other people in to reel you in from drowning in yourself.

What am I trying to say… when you choose to end your life, people get hurt. If you are thinking of ending it all, chances are damnation from God isn’t going to deter you, but surely the pain and devastation you leave behind cannot be worth the empty sleep you are rushing for.

Talk to someone, try and find something that can ease the pain of what you are going through instead of passing it onto loved ones who will have no way of washing out the stain of blame that festers within their grief.

Please just watch the video and get help if you feel there’s a chance you may need it.

There’s always someone who can help, even if you can’t see them yet..

Over and Out.

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So…

Sometimes all we need is someone to drape us in hugs, physically or mentally but I get the picture and for anyone else who feels it too, lets all mind hump!

Last week was torturous and I spent nearly all of yesterday beneath my covers so I will put a post up soon but for now, all I have is a picture and a sentence.

Over and Out!

 

posted by on Imaginary Tea, Rambling

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So…

*I have been having some technical issues so this post is slightly late but enjoy!*

First up: Often I can hold multiple opinions about something at the same time, my mind is fluid like that.

Second: No one but the people within the relationship know what’s REALLY going on and even then, chances are just one person knows and the other is winging it.

Now, originally I wanted to ignore the story, I saw a comment about it somewhere, thought “Yeah…there’s nothing positive I can add here” and I walked away from it, then I found this video by The Young Turks and I thought, “Wait… what?” So went over to the 300 Sandwiches site here (I love bread and potatoes but may have a slight intolerance for them but that doesn’t stop me eating them because my intolerance wont kill me). I like the look of the blog and the sandwiches actually generally look good so on a food front alone, its gorge and I like me my yums.

But I am struggling with the idea that this was tongue in cheek humour and yet the pursuit of the wedding band is still on…Or maybe I am having a translation problem. Here’s why, (sadly) it doesn’t matter how successful you become as a woman, you are still judged “harshly” if you haven’t chosen to get married and have babies. And its unfair that that is the case, but it is. And when a woman chooses to do that there are even more things she must now give up in order to still be viewed as successful, cut her working hours, be there for the children. I don’t follow “Giuliana and Bill” but I saw the hate that Guiliana garnered for not being as visibly involved with her son (Duke) as Bill was and putting her appearance ahead of her health. As I didn’t actually follow that particular story I wont put up any links for that. But other than celebs, in my “real life” women set targets for themselves to be married by, date for not more than five years, if he hasn’t proposed by then, “make him”. This can come from having a “my eggs are shriveling and I want to know if your swimmers are going to be available soon” kind of conversations or “trap” him by making sure you are negligent enough for his swimmers to actually do some “damage”.

Thing is, all relationships are about give and take, the knee jerk reaction to this is: “You mean that’s what I have to do to get a ring?” I have been told on numerous occasions that women cannot feel for something without personalising it, that it is wired into our heads. I need to be “in” whatever it is that I am liking or see myself being “hurt” by what offends me. The person may have been referring to me alone because I have basket case tendencies on occasion and it may be “safe” to generalise but he had a point (of course it was a guy who said it).

On principle, this idea that women need to convince a guy that she is worth marrying and he is in a way doing her a favour of providing marriage is disturbing. I am in a long term relationship and have been for a while and my mind sometimes chaffs against the idea that doing certain things makes me more “marry-able”, because I think, if you want to marry me, you will. If my single sandwich makes you think you could eat 300 more (or 299 more), that’s awesome, but I shouldn’t need to prove I can supply those 300 for you to ACTUALLY decide you want to marry me. Plus I make lunches for us almost everyday, mostly because I am an awful person when I am hungry (no seriously, I don’t get PMS or mood swings, I get hunger pangs that go to my brain and drain me of all rational thought. Its terrible!) and I need to eat and he’s generally free at the same time so we eat together. Then Saturday is his day to cook or we cook together, as long as that “exchange” happens, I don’t feel like I am being taken advantage of. So what is she getting out of the exchange to not feel taken advantage of? He cooks regularly according to her and I think that’s grand! You cant just turn your relationship to a chore pursuit for that ring, its about the journey and I really hope they get that.

So while this may have been tongue in cheek, I really do hope that she enjoys the process, and this guy is worth it if it isn’t in her to naturally make sandwiches three times a week for someone else. But at the end of the day, they know what goes on behind closed doors and if the two of them are both on the same page, great! We all want to be happy after all, and if this is her choice then there is no problem here.

We live in an age of choice and people should be allowed to do what they want to do to meet whatever goals they aim to achieve. Marriage by 300 Sammies! Do it! If he proposes before 300, I hope she enjoys the process enough to keep going!

Over and Out!

posted by on Imaginary Tea, Rambling, Rhymes Optional

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So…

I’m working on a few short stories and that’s a first for me, I usually handle one project at a time because I thought it allowed me to “give it my best”, but that means I kill ideas because I don’t feel “ready” to flesh them out and that could be a cop out (most likely is). So right now, I am trying to tweak three stories for my first collection of short stories and I’m working on two half stories that involve running away and travel but they are so raw, I have no idea where they are going.

But I digress, today I am sharing two videos because last week I didn’t put up a post. And this week I am typing this while drinking a cup of green Japanese tea. My stash is almost done, nooooo!

First up: When Your Boyfriend Asks You to Strip For Him . Oh my word! Can I just say how much I ‘gasmed over this? I honestly don’t even know. I felt my stomach lurch and my heart flutter when she reached the end, and I swore at her… many times! How dare she make me feel all these damn emotions! Granted I re-watched it multiple times and shared it with everyone I know who would share my feelings. Why don’t we (women) love ourselves more? Why do we project our (imagined) faults onto our partners? I sadly find it very easy to depreciate myself in front of other people especially my physical appearance (not my mind, since I am posting its produce here, overinflated view of my mental abilities). My flesh and bone is “distinctly average” and sometimes I find it hard to believe someone would think I am the sexiest woman in the world because… “c’mon!” Like this morning, I was trying out some yoga and I noticed cellulite on a part of my thigh that I didn’t know it collected and cringed but was fascinated by the fact that it wouldn’t matter to “my person”. Granted I haven’t shown him that particular pose so he hasn’t seen that cellu-pocket (as I like to call it) but wouldn’t it be great if we could see ourselves the way the people who love us see us? That would be amazing. Allow yourself to do that. Somehow. Don’t become an arrogant git but own your “perfection”. Coz we all have a dose of it, so don’t binge but take a sip once in a while.

The Little Things is just a reminder to keep our eyes open to the good things that people around us do. Sadly I can often “miss” the nice things and to those nearest and dearest to me, I love you spades and boatloads. I am thankful for having you in my life and even when I can’t physically help you, know that I think of you, and your nuttiness drives me and my fiction. Whether I am escaping from it or drowning in it.

Thank you so much for getting to the end, I know this is very random… watch the videos. They’ll distract you from the lack of direction going on here.

Over and Out!

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Ms Adichie knows something...

Ms Adichie knows something…

So…

The video I would like to share is here;

First confession: I love Ms Adichie (I feel so cosmopolitan using Ms).

Second confession: I haven’t read any of her books (yet).

Now, seeing as I love her why wouldn’t I devour her books? After all, her art is an extension of herself and I love reading her interviews and watching her speak. (Laying on the excuses now). Well, I did come to her party late. One of my younger sister’s is into stories that have a “deeper” moral compass and if they have an African Or African-American theme even better. I bought this sister Half of a Yellow Sun as a birthday present one year and I didn’t have any intention of reading it because it was not “my thing”. I preferred either pure escapism through fantasy or history that was culturally different to my own. I found solace in gasping at the horrors other societies inflicted and didn’t want to learn any more about how African’s did it.

But the truth is, I was escaping her work because I thought it was another example of how African writers should write. Insert village, un-pronouncable (I decree that a word) names and then make the story about a struggle that usually cannot be wholly felt by most contemporary Africans. I believe we are more than that and I wanted more examples of contemporary African story telling, which I could not get anyway because I shunned stories written by African sounding names, which is terrible I know.

I stayed in my father’s village as a child one holiday (I have never had so many nosebleeds in my life but learned holding your head over burning sunflower seeds cauterizes your nostrils and stops bleeding for a few years at least), and I cannot base all my work on that one interaction when it isnt ingrained in who I am, yet any time I came across successful African writers, that is what I found. You needed it to be rural and lay it on thick. But those rural locales are where my family stems from and is a part of me but not the part that comes to mind immediately when I define myself. But this post isnt about my identity.

I feared that if I read her work, I would try and make my writing more “African” to be successful. That is not the content of the video (and you should really see it, if you haven’t), it is what I would talk to Chimamanda about if I were to share a cup of tea with her. Identity.

The video is about being a feminist. I believe generally society holds women a lot morally upright than they actually are. This post will end up being a lot longer if I keep going, and I did promise these would be short, but I will say that when the time comes for me to be a mother. I hope I do not forget that I want my sons to be as self reliant as my daughters and my daughters to be as practical as my sons. We shouldn’t continue to hold our daughters as mass nurturing mammary glands because not all women want or should be having children. I hope when my daughters are of an acceptable child bearing age that I do not suddenly expect grandbabies to fall from their wombs at the risk of their dreams. May my sons know value above financial success and most of all, may my children have a sense of humour, because they will probably need it to survive having me as their mother.

Check out her new book Americanah. I will be reading this one soon…just need to borrow it from the sister.

Over and Out!

posted by on Imaginary Tea, Rambling

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anna akana

So…

I love characters (and people) that have something to say but don’t shove it down your throat with some kind of moral authority, add that with a quirky personality and you have my heart. Right now my major internet crush is Anna Akana, here’s her youtube page.

The video that moved me this week is here: How To Be Alone

As a child I was not a social person. I preferred my own company because it required too much effort dealing with other people and I hated small talk (still not a fan). I wanted to talk about “serious” things and other kids really didn’t, so even if I hadn’t chosen my own company, it would have been thrust upon me anyway.

One of my teachers thought I was abused at home because I was “too quiet”. My mother was grilled about my “home situation” during a PTA meeting when I was in the third grade, and afterwards asked me if I was OK (and happy). At the time I couldn’t think of why I wouldn’t be happy, everyone had problems including me but I was OK. In the end, what I took from that conversation was that I (and how I presented myself) was a problem, and I needed to fix that. My solution? Become more involved. After the third grade there wasn’t a year that I wasn’t involved in at least three extra curricular activities, in some kind of leadership role and smiled while doing it. Thing is though, I would much rather have just gone home early, read a book or written some story about something that was vaguely true and been internally satisfied. Instead I saddled myself with a perpetual people pleasing that I still struggle with. All because third graders are supposed to be noisy.

I only started fighting my people pleasing ways in university. Which isn’t really a good time to be fighting what defines you and led to my degree taking place at two universities and took twice as long to complete. Not fun when everyone has you pegged as an over achiever, so in the end, you appear to be a failure.

Letting other people’s observations become your reality is guaranteed to keep you wrapped in unhappiness. I really just should have learned how to express my desire for alone time instead of pretend I didn’t engage in it (if that doesn’t sound suggestive)…Obviously not in third grade but after then, instead of devising more methods to prove how social I was when I would rather not have been.

Over and Out!

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So…

Welcome to my weekly segment: Imaginary Tea on Sunday.

This Sunday slot is reserved for my observation on something that happened online and usually will be brief and “light”.

These posts will either have a video,music or alternative “visual” inspiration from elsewhere on the internet and not my own head.

First post coming up shortly.

Over and Out!

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So…

The part of the world I am from family is a big deal and I mean knowing your cousin’s cousins and their neighbour’s nephews, which wouldn’t be a problem if there weren’t so many siblings to begin with. For example, my Dad is the middle child of five children and my Mum is the eldest of eight, most of their siblings married at least once and had children… I tried to make a family tree when I was about twelve but ran out of motivation when I realised I didn’t actually know as many members of my family as I thought I did and asking my grandmother for information filled me with fear.

I am 28 years old, not married and don’t have any children. My parents line has no fresh blood in it and my Dad is getting antsy for some young ‘uns to fold into the Muchindu fabric. Being the oldest child alive it is up to me set an example (not sure I want or need to be setting examples on making babies but let’s not dwell on that). My older sister died a few years ago without any children of her own. None of my younger siblings have children and aren’t rushing towards the altar.

During my last visit to my parents farm, the subject of marriage came up (as it is prone to when your parents think you are wilting your eggs on purpose to spurn them their rightfully earned joy), and I got to really thinking about what marriage means for me. I know what I would like it to be: a partnership, a team moving in one direction towards a common goal (whatever that is, is up to the two people in the relationship because people get married for different reasons and it isn’t our place to judge them, even though judgements are a reflex reaction and will happen anyway). But I digress… Very rarely do I see examples of couples getting married because they are on the same page on what they want out of their future together. Sidenote: I attended a lovely wedding this past weekend with a bride who actually cried with joy and I have never seen that before but the couple seemed united before the wedding day and the wedding day itself didnt seem like the end of grueling planning but rather a beginning of a life together which is what I think weddings should be.I would like to wish them a long and full life ahead together.

Marriage usually happens because it is “the right time” more often than not. Either through a child that wasn’t entirely planned or the couple have been dating so long they may as well be married and decide to officiate it. Both of those scenarios don’t often have happy endings.

I realise my definition isnt romantic and makes marriage sound like work but the truth is, it is, work. It is work you choose to get into with a tag team partner you will be “stuck with” for the rest of your life, and sadly we are so focused on the wedding day we forget about what happens afterwards.  The problem with that is on a balance of equations there are too many unhappily married people giving the institution of marriage a terrible name. Random question of the day: Why do women in the movies when proposed to not react until they have seen the ring? There is rarely any evidence that the poor fellow proposing gets on his knees (in public) yet there will be zero “joy” till that box opens or is produced.

One day, I hope to get married and build plans around and with another person (as different as his opinions of those plans sometimes are), I believe in the weight of vows and the promise of eternal fidelity but its become almost “too easy” to leave a marriage than to work at making it what you want it to be.What I disagree with is the expectation that who I am needs to change because I am now a wife. I fight with that idea very strongly. Pretending to be something else shouldn’t happen with your life partner because they have more of you than anyone else. Its easy to pretend with parents because you need to keep them proud of you, or with your siblings because you want them happy or with colleagues because you dont want to get fired but with the person you want to spend forever with? Everyone else has a shift schedule with you, they really don’t.

I hate confrontation and will avoid it like its an STD infested keyboard (let that fester a minute) but when you share your life with someone, confrontation is bound to happen. Apparently, the trick is not to let it evolve into something else. Let the conversation about discarded socks in the kitchen floor be about that and ONLY THAT not about his desire to spend less time with you or his new “odd” bedroom requests (although I can see how one thing could lead to the other). You need to “nip things in the bud”, is what I am constantly advised but sadly its easy to let little things slide, because why should you sweat the small stuff or worse, nag? Unfortunately, if you wait till patterns have developed, switching out of those patterns appears like a rejection of the person you are with.

What I hope to remember the day after my wedding is, I picked the person I am now waking up next to and as wonderful as he is most of the time, there will be moments I would prefer to club him on the back of his head than talk. That’s not a problem, it makes me normal, I should just talk to him about it and not actually club him, no matter how tempting that would be. Maybe that will be my chance of a happy ending, I will still be me, he will still be him and we will now just live together and make babies.

Over and Out!

Killing My Hang Ups

Jul
2013
30

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Gorgeous lady but not me

Simply Cyn captures my mood in this shot and looks GORGEOUS doing it

So…

When I started this blog, I had a schedule laid out of what I would post and how regularly I would put my overflowing ideas into the world and boy do I have ideas… If I could mine them I would be A LOT better off than I am now (because I am certain that they are valuable ideas… I may suffer from delusions of grandeur).

But then ‘Life’ got in the way (as it normally does when you are “playing” above your station), and then I started making excuses… many excuses. At first they were logical… then creative… “I can’t type right now because I am researching self publishing on amazon (by buying books)”, or “my hair is more important right now so I think I’ll embark on mini twists instead of getting another story down, besides it will allow me to think.”.

Truth is, I got scared. I put a blog out and it started getting some hits (more than three is some!), and there wasn’t any hate, a significant amount of spam but no hate, and people other than family and friends were starting to look at it. Enter Stage Fright. I was now publicly attempting to bring my dreams to life. This would mean I would now no longer have any excuse on why I wasn’t where I thought I should be. Bringing me to my hang ups… or rather the one major one.

But before that, I am not deluded to think everyone who reads what I write will like what they find, I want to be a writer but I need to do a lot of work because I am not dedicating enough time to my art and I should. This I know (“It is known”, hee hee). Its like having exams coming and not prepping but literally praying it will work out. If you don’t put in the work, how can you expect it to?

So, my major hang up. I would rather be an ace at something I hate doing than fail at something I want to be doing. This is a little crazy and counter intuitive because it leads to me cementing myself in things I don’t actually want to do. Like stay in a relationship longer than I should or study a course I didn’t really have any love for at the time (that did eventually change) and host of other oddities that I could have saved myself from that led me to being dissatisfied with what and who I am.

Failing at a desire seemed a lot less desirable than succeeding at a chore. Because you chose it as opposed to “dealing” with what was thrust upon you.

Which points out that my main fear is failure. I fear that I am ordinary. That I do not have nearly as much exposure to interesting things to make me interesting (because interesting is like a bug, you catch it and pass it along). That my life has been too comfortable to damage me into being great. I fear being mundane or *the horror*, forgettable. I want to be remembered. I want to be interesting. This in my mind would mean I matter (see above for possible delusions of grandeur).

So how do I get over my hangups and fears? I haven’t the foggiest idea. Late last year I felt the walls of boredom and inadequacy closing in so I decided I needed to make at least one dream come true. “See Japan. No excuses”. I had been thinking about it for years and every time I saved enough money something “practical” came up and it would be gone, plus I never could get enough time off work. But I got a crazy buzzing in my head that I was running out of time. I spoke to a friend and she decided to join me in my mad quest and we somehow planned a two week trip to a country we had never been to and didn’t speak the language of. And it was WONDERFUL. I would gladly go back for another trip if only to sit on benches and watch people. So next time I get a crazy desire to travel, may it be summer!

The way I am hoping to get rid of my hang ups is to voice them and then bludgeon them. It seems to be the only way. Simply refuse to be mundane and don’t forget.

This is not a particularly helpful article if you were looking for a how to but its my story. Maybe it will help you. Make one dream happen (at a time). Even if it is something as simple as saving a certain amount of money between now and the end of the year, growing a certain plant or smiling more. Its your dream. Stop with the excuses.

Bludgeon the hang ups.

Over and Out!

 

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sisters

So…

I live with two of my sisters and I love them dearly. I am trying to figure out the best way to describe them but the only thing that comes to mind is if we were a litter of puppies, we’d all be the runt. Which defeats the purpose of a runt like description… we’re all round pegs trying to force our way into square holes. I have a brother too but seeing as he’s the wrong kind of peg for this story I need to omit him for the time being, don’t worry brother. I’ll have a post up just for you!

We suffer through each others joys, groaning on the inside because we know the value of spending time together. For example, the youngest and myself LOVE Asian pop, the middle one groans every time we squeal about a new video (right now I cant wait to share EXO’s “Wolf” video, if you haven’t seen it and Kpop is your thing, check it out). The youngest loves soppy romantic stories and vampires. The middle one and myself groan through such movies, while the youngest and I lament every time the middle one gets excited about a new fitness regime or extremely loud pants… seriously, if she could, you would HEAR her pants, but I digress (and I am not always the most common denominator).

You can “easily” lavish money on people but time, that’s a different playing field and even if the time is so miserable all you want to do is bash each other’s heads in, it still trumps not spending time together. Well, for me anyway, they may probably want to slink away but as the oldest I get commanding rights which they cannot escape {insert evil laugh}.

Its not always laughs and yoga poses in the kitchen though (that actually did happen). I have (once or twice) pretended to be asleep just so I can have a few moments of peace or pretended not to hear a call so I can have some quiet. This does not mean I love them any less but we’re not the same kind of round and sometimes that means we each need our own times and methods of re-booting.

The point of this ramble is basically to remind them and anyone reading this that simply “buying” something isn’t always enough, you need to “know” the person you live or just deal with. We are always so busy “proving” our affections with things that we don’t share ourselves. I am not a mother yet but I remember hating having to share my bedroom with my sisters. My parents forced us to share not only our bedroom but communal time as well. All I wanted was my own space, and because I am a selfish human being I still do on occasion, but being forced to smell each others morning breath and argue over underwear space I know their cries even when they aren’t being vocal about it and I also know when I am the wrong person to address their problems but knowing that you aren’t the right person doesn’t mean “do nothing”. It means find a way to help that doesn’t involve your own hand making movements, it means finding a voice to say the things you wish your voice could, it means pointing them in a direction that may be the complete opposite of yours. Love is never doing nothing, love is never being OK with a state less than contentment.

Do something.

 

Always.

 

Over and Out!

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