Yesterday on my way out of a meeting my right leg went numb and I stumbled, corrected myself, took two steps and went plummeting into an ugly brown carpet in a hallway and sat there looking like an idiot, trying to figure out what had just happened. Thankfully it was slightly after hours and there wasn’t a massive audience to my grand splaying.
The meeting was with two male colleagues and one male supervisor. Their reactions were a little giggle worthy because they “didn’t know what to do”. Here’s the thing, I’m not a “dainty gal”. If something needs to be moved in my office and I can, I do. This causes some amusement to my colleagues because someone at my “level” shouldn’t be doing that, worse off a woman at my level. I’m not a “butch” girl (I don’t think I have any muscle definition in my arms and I am way too lazy for the gym) but I don’t often wait around for someone else to something when I can do it myself. Labour is also relatively cheap here as well so there is no reason why someone else cant to general grunt work.
One of my (many) faults is delegating. I am terrible at it. Just terrible. I almost always think I can do things better than anyone I can give a task to which makes it difficult to work with me because chances are, I will struggle to appreciate you fully and believe everyone is operating at less than their 100% and willfully choosing to do so. I will try and make you feel better about yourself after you have delivered whatever output I want though. I try and teach people what I want them to give me but there’s always something “missing” and I try not to let it get to me. Note the abundant use of the word “try” in that paragraph. I am a work in progress.
The other day I saw Taylor Swift’s Shake it Off! video and I got an attack of the fuzzies. Lovely warm feelings and I empathised so much with trying to fit into activities that are sooooo not me. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it!
Here’s the thing, you have to do you. But sometimes doing you needs some work and you have to acknowledge it and choose to do better.
I’m not sure I would have liked any scenario where any of the people who saw me fall picked me up (oh yeah, I have a problem with unsolicited body contact too… general physical proximities in general actually), and I remember thinking, “thank heavens I am wearing pants today.” One of my female subordinates “came to my rescue” and chastised the fellas for not helping me, grabbed my shoes and then watched me walk to my desk (while my supervisor told her to massage my foot which I thought was inappropriate but that’s a story for another day).
What about me in that scenario makes me think I should question whether I am harmful to myself… in that context…I’m coming up empty but another fault of mine crops up and that is going over incidences and building them into things that don’t need to survive their existence beyond the occurance. I am not always perfect and I am not always at fault (somehow both those thoughts exist in my world constantly), I just have to shake off what was and focus on what is and will be.
I guess my take away question for the day is what do you do in the name of “being you” harms you and how are you going to fix that?
Quit trying to be someone else but make sure you’re honest about how being you can suck and improve it.